Are You a Micro-Cheater ?
Digital encounters are reshaping the boundaries of fidelity.
Infidelity —loosely defined as “ a romantic or sexual involvement outside the primary relationship that violates relational norms” is as old as relationships itself.
Early definitions of infidelity centered around sexual infidelity, a physical dalliance outside of your primary relationship. Over time, experts started to expand its definition to include emotional infidelity, which occurs when someone forms a deep emotional bond and possibly falls in love with someone outside of that primary relationship.
Both hurt like a bitch.
Studies show some gender differences in how people react to cheating: Men appear to be more hurt by physical transgressions, while women feel more betrayed when they believe that that their male partners have cheated emotionally. Interestingly, this gender difference was only seen in heterosexual couples; gay men, bisexual men and women, and lesbian women did not differ significantly when it came to which type of betrayal impacted them more in this particular study.
From the perspective of a sexologist and sexual wellness coach, infidelity is one of those truly “hard to pin down” concepts. This is partly because these are subjective experiences - what feels like cheating to one person may be perfectly acceptable to another.
It’s also partly because not only do people not accurately report cheating behavior, they often are inconsistent between what they say and what they do.
A 2015 study revealed that although a majority of people in the US consider infidelity to be immoral, up to 45% of married people and 69% of those who are dating report having engaged in extradyadic sexual relationships. Another study showed that between 65% and 75% of college students have reported engaging in some sort of cheating behavior while in a serious dating relationship.
Clearly, we are not walking the walk when it comes to maintaining fidelity in our relationships.
Digital Infidelity, Unpacked.
The internet, social media and now AI have added a new level of complexity to what was already a complicated area in human relationships. Digital infidelity is defined as “any act of perceived infidelity in which digital media are used to initiate and/or maintain an extradyadic affair.”
Suddenly, the opportunities for betrayal have increased manifold.
Related to digital infidelity, the term micro-cheating emerged around 2018 to describe “a series of seemingly small actions that indicate a person is emotionally or physically focused on someone outside their relationship."
In the human to human realm it would be lingering in a conversation too long, or your partner catching you eyeballing someone across the room. What does that look like online?
A recent study conducted by my research assistant Nina Kiurtsidis revealed that “micro-cheating” was an effective term to describe online behaviors that weren’t full-blown transgressions but that could be considered betrayal in a relationship.
In a poll of 59 participants aged 18-29, Kiurtsidis found that high variability in responses: 66.5% believed that following or engaging with an explicit content creator such as on Only Fans was micro-cheating while there was very little agreement on whether watching porn was. Engaging with an ex’s content (liking, commenting) was much more likely to be considered micro-cheating than simply following them. The study also highlighted new expectations partners have around their digital presence: approximately 92% of respondents said they would expect to be on their partner’s private stories or close friend groups while 61% said they would feel upset if their partner never posted them
What does it all mean?
It’s good news and bad news.
It means that while we were already confused and conflicted about infidelity, the digital realm offers a whole new arena for misbehavior and misunderstandings.
It means that we have to be even more aware and forthcoming about our expectations and boundaries in relationships. Proactive and honest communication can save a heart from harm.
It also means that we need to gear up and fortify our relationships because as AI blurs the lines between person and object — with more humanlike technologies like companions, VR partners and eventually robots —what constitutes betrayal will continue to morph and evolve and yet - it will still be deeply personal and subjective.
In my own work as a sexologist and coach, I have found that people cheat for a variety of reasons. Sometimes an indiscretion happens for pure physical fulfillment, but more often than not, people cheat because they need to be seen, desired and validated.
Often they are not getting those needs met within their primary relationship, and while cheating is never the mature response, it can shine a light on areas that need addressing.
As Esther Perel once said: “the victim of an affair is not always the victim of the marriage”.
Whether digital or in person, infidelity is often a symptom, not a cause of a failing relationship. Technology can help or hinder the healing. The power is in your hands, literally.
References:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/minority-report/201801/micro-cheating
Blackwell, D. (2014). Digital disruption: An exploratory study of trust, infidelity, and relational transgressions in the digital age (Publication No. 3620627) [Doctoral dissertation, Indiana University]. ProQuest Dissertations & Theses Global.
Fincham, F. D., & May, R. W. (2017). Infidelity in romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 70–74. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.008
Frederick, D. A., & Fales, M. R. (2016). Upset over sexual versus emotional infidelity among gay, lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual adults. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 45(1), 175–191. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-014-0409-9
Perel, E. (2015, March). Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved [Video]. TED Conferences. https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved
Vangelisti, A. L., Gerstenberger, M., Harrison, K., Allan, G., Marsden, D., & Duncombe, J. (2004). Communication and marital infidelity. In G. Allan, D. Marsden, & J. Duncombe (Eds.), The state of affairs (pp. 59–78). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.